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THE HEAD -- Often covered with hair, the head should have all the essential
EARS -- Ears should be well-placed, incredibly attuned to a child's
uttering- i.e. you suck!?even when spoken under the breath and in another
room. Yet strong enough to tune out the loudest music of Hootie and the
Blowfish when preparing dinner.
EYES -- Eyes can be of any color, should be able to see (although there have
been many very successful mothers who were blind- they simply used the
all-powerful eyes at the back of the head tool). Expression should be soft and
gentle, yet capable of shooting bullets at appropriate times. I, on occasion,
use the I will turn your little butt to salt right here look in times of
extreme stress.
NOSE -- Ah, the nose, able to smell a soiled diaper at 50 yards! I have not
found the bigger is better theory at work here. I have known mothers with tiny
little turned-up noses that look completely ineffectual, actually scent the
time (10 minutes) when her little offspring smoked his/her first cigarette. A
fantastic feat, it was a treat to watch her. She made one small error once-
completely understandable- she mistook the Scotch he tried for a single-malt,
rather than a blend. I could forgive her this- she was a Gin drinker.
MOUTH -- Not quite as large as Rush Limbaugh's (God forbid), nor as small as
Bettie Boop (I do not think she would make an effective mother). It should be
able to sing a soft, albeit, out-of-key nursery rhyme, or raise the rafters when
mother is displeased. My only absolute rule it that it should never, never be
used to insult, demean or humiliate the child. Anger is all right, but verbal
abuse is forbidden. Also, the mouth is needed for eating -quite often, and in
small doses usually, because mothers do not have enough time to actually sit
down to eat a full meal at one time- mom, I need this done now, mom can you
take me here now, mom where is my...., mom, come here and look at this! and
the dreaded, oops...Oh God.....MOM!!!!!
SHOULDERS -- The actual size is not so important, I know many women who even
enhance their size due to fashion styles. It really doesn't matter, as long as
they can bear the weight of the world occasionally and then much more often
during High School.
BREASTS -- Here is where you all get treated to an honest to God mother-type
lecture. So hunker down and just listen. These particular accouterments to the
human body are there for one reason, and one reason only - Milk Machines! They
were put there to nourish a baby and when the time comes, boy is they handy! Now
I realize that there are some women out there that look like they could feed
Nicaragua single-handedly and some (as, ahem, myself) that look as if they were
drier than the Sahara Desert. But let me assure you that the good Lord provided,
just such a large range of sizes to make some men look like idiots in their
admiration of something that every other mammal in the world has. If we could
get this through our thick skulls, so that many women did not feel inadequate,
then my work as 'Semi-Super Woman' would be done.
STOMACH -- This includes the waist, which I have not had since 1971.
Seriously, I jump right from bottom of the rib cage to top of the hip-bone, with
a huge pinch of extra skin in-between. It is truly amazing to me that I lost it
so suddenly and did not even hear it drop. This particular part of the body can
change dramatically from woman to woman after having a child. I, myself,
developed stretch marks that have had gynecologists spending enormous amounts of
time trying to decipher hidden pictures that they are sure that they can see.
Sort of like a Rorschach test game. I have had friends who have had 5 babies and
have a stomach that you could bounce a dime off, and not only that, there's not
a mark on them. (I, as a matter of fact, have lost several coins in the folds of
my big belly, but I look at it as a kind of retirement fund).
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