Funny One Liners-Really Short Funny Jokes.
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1. Robert Schmidt 01 (5/9/2010)
    I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I st
2. Steven Wright 27 (5/9/2010)
    Even snakes are afraid of snakes. I can't stop thinking like this. This isn't all true. You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to th
3. Steven Wright 26 (5/9/2010)
    All the plants in my house are dead--I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It g
4. Steven Wright 25 (5/9/2010)
    I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose. I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the r
5. Steven Wright 24 (5/9/2010)
    I saw a sign at a gas station. It said Help Wanted. There was another sign below it that said Self Service. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss.
6. Steven Wright 23 (5/9/2010)
    I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen. Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28
7. Steven Wright 22 (5/9/2010)
    The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. I had a dream that all the
8. Steven Wright 21 (5/9/2010)
    If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! What do batteries run on? Are there any questions? I was cleaning out my closet and
9. Steven Wright 20 (5/9/2010)
    I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. How young can you die of old age? If you saw a heat wave, would
10. Steven Wright 19 (5/9/2010)
    We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded maybe. I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, an
11. Steven Wright 18 (5/9/2010)
    I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. Last year we drove across the country. We switc
12. Steven Wright 17 (5/9/2010)
    For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [Slow glance upward.]
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