Clintons speech translated.
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Clintons speech translated

Through the marvels of technology, we were able to use the new patented
Bullcrap-Canceler 9000 to see what President Clinton was *really* trying to say
in his August 17th Speech to the Nation.
[Translated comments are in brackets.]
President Bill Clinton's Speach Aug. 17, 1998
CLINTON: Good evening.
[Yo.]
This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of
Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
[Today, I got my arse dragged over the coals.]
I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private
life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.
[I was lying like crazy trying to cover my arse.]
Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and
private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.
[I got busted, and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.]
As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my
relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did
not volunteer information.
[I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game
and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.]
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not
appropriate.
[I have given a new definition to the term screwed by the
Government.]
In fact, it was wrong.
[We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]
It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part
for which I am solely and completely responsible.
[I was horny.]
But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time did I
ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful
action.
[Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullsh*t...]
I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false
impression.
[I lied like a bitch.]
I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.
[Guess who's not `getting any' tonight?]
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to
protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.
[I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.]
I was also very concerned about protecting my family.
[Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of 'Soccer.']
The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired
lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.
[I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this
far.]
In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel
investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I
might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any
wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.
[I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]
The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then
into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.
[I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught me with
my hand in the Cookie jar.]
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.
[Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]
Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our
daughter -- and our G-d.
[Git offa mah land 'fore I shoot me a trespasser!]
I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.
[If you think I bull-crapped you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!]
Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to
reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.
[The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of
being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.]
Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal
destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our National
life.
[-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke
Screen that's gone up...]
Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my
responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.
[I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade.]
Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on.
[Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!]
We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to
solve, real security matters to face.
[You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything...]
And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven
months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our
attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American
century.
[Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a
legitimate reason to use the term 'American Pigs,' and blown my credibility all
to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened?
--C'mon, baby, relax.]
Thank you for watching.
[Sorry you had to see this.]
And Good Night.
[Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsea,
tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go somewhere safe!]
Names for Clinton's tackle
Clinton's unlucky friends...
Is being Bill's Friend Hazardous to your health?
The following is a list of dead people connected with Bill Clinton:
James McDougal - Clinton's convicted Whitewater partner died of an apparent
heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key witness in Ken Starr's
investigation.
Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a
Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she was to
go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
Vince Foster - Former white House counselor, and colleague of Hillary Clinton
at Little Rock's Rose law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a
suicide.
Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman. Reported to have
died by impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation
reported that there was a hole in the top of Brown's skull resembling a gunshot
wound. At the time of his death Brown was being investigated, and spoke publicly
of his willingness to cut a deal with prosecutors. C.
Victor Raiser II - & - Montgomery Raiser - Major players in the Clinton fund
raising organization died in a private plane crash in July 1992.
Paul Tulley - Democratic National Committee Political Director found dead in a
hotel room in Little Rock, September 1992. Described by Clinton as a Dear
friend and trusted advisor.
Ed Willey - Clinton fund raiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the woods in
Virginia of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide. Ed Willey died on the
same day his wife Kathleen Willey claimed Bill Clinton groped her in the oval
office in the White House. Ed Willey was involved in several Clinton fund
raising events.
Jerry Parks - Head of Clinton's gubernatorial security team in Little Rock.
Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little Rock. Park's
son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton. He allegedly threatened
to reveal this information. After he died the files were mysteriously removed
from his house.
James Bunch - Died from a gunshot suicide. It was reported that he had a
Black Book of people containing names of influential people who visited
prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas.
James Wilson - Was found dead in May, 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide.
He was reported to have ties to Whitewater.
Kathy Ferguson - Ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson died in May 1994
was found dead in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a
suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she was going
somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton in the
Paula Jones lawsuit. Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating witness for
Paula Jones.
Bill Shelton - Arkansas state Trooper and fiancee of Kathy Ferguson. Critical
of the suicide ruling of his fiancee, he was found dead in June, 1994 of a
gunshot wound also ruled a suicide at the gravesite of his fiancee.
Gandy Baugh - Attorney for Clinton friend Dan Lassater died by jumping out a
window of a tall building January, 1994. His client was a convicted drug
distributor.
Florence Martin - Accountant sub-contractor for the CIA related to the Barry
Seal Mena Airport drug smuggling case. Died of three gunshot wounds.
Suzanne Coleman - Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was Arkansas
Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head, ruled a
suicide. She was pregnant at the time of her death.
Paula Grober - Clinton's speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until her
death December 9, 1992. She died in a one car accident.
Danny Casolaro - Investigative reporter. Investigating Mena Airport. ... let
me think .... hmmmmmm
[Tag]:Clintons speech translated
[Time]:5/9/2010
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